The way you want to make it easier,

Dumb. If I speak all those foul words unpleasant to the ear, can S blame me?

No, he can't, can he? He owes it to me but I would never take that for granted even if it's my chance to get back at him or like some say, revenge. I think it's rather dumb. And certainly I am not dumb (I would say) to believe in all his lies, but for the sake that he doesn't want to let me know the truth I understand it's because he doesn't want to make this whole thing even more hurtful for me, but again I'm not dumb, I know those things going on. Cliche, I am a woman, I have instincts.

It's weird that I have to pretend that I don't know a single thing in front of him. I have to pretend I am stupid, pretend that I believe. Sometimes I would think slightly off point, and think I may try to REALLY believe in him. It's good I came back on track. I cannot keep pretending I will go nuts. Maybe deluding makes your life better but no, no no it's not going to do me any good I know. He knows it cannot happen, try, go on try your luck, he will crumble the life of those around him, immature unthoughtful idiot. Poor insight.

I felt digusted with myself when I was in denial, I know the truth but avoided it. Maybe after a year or two, maybe. But no, not now, never. He may not know how much hate and sorrow he introduced to me, the years which were supposed to be the happiest in my life. Looks like it's not but like what they say, 'you will emerge stronger'.

Well, I hope S does too.